Rant: CATS

So occasionally (read: a lot of the time) I have opinions that will offend most people. I'm not talking politics or religion, there's just a list of things that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL OF. At this very second, cats top that list. If you love cats and want to keep loving me, stop reading right now. This is going to shake you to your very core.

Cats are horrible animals. They're as selfish and inconsiderate as your run of the mill person but are cute and fluffy so they think they can get away with it. Centuries of oooooing and awwwing these satanic creatures has caused us to LET THEM INTO OUR OWN HOMES. THIS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Whoever choose to domestic cats is an evil bastard.

First off, lets take a look at other domesticated animals. Like dogs. Now, the whole cats vs. dogs debate is ridiculous. That's like asking which is healthier, celery or bacon. It's not an objective statement. If there is a fire, a dog will bark to wake you up then carry your baby out of the burning house before dialing 9-1-1 and aiding the firemen with the hose. A cat will sit on your baby and use it's CLAWS OF DEATH to scratch anyone who tries to save your baby. They have K-9 units to help police officers catch drug dealers and dalmatians that hang out in fire-trucks and probably drive them. A dog will come to you when you call its name. A cat will pretend it doesn't hear you even though it totally knows its name. Dogs can be hypoallergenic and bred not to shed. 1/3 people are allergic to cats. Have you ever seen an adorable YouTube video of a kitten saving a boy from a swarm of bees, taking the blunt of the blow and risking it's own adorable life? No. Because it doesn't exist. But this puppy totally did. Sure, there are allowed in more apartments than dogs are. And you don't have to walk them. But get a hamster instead (more on that in a little bit) Most importantly, though, dogs care about you. Cats don't. My roommate will be like, my cat knows when I'm sad. She'll say this when, every fourth time she's having a breakdown, I will hand her the cat and the cat will cry to get away before giving in and purring. No. Every single time, no exception, I have ever been upset and crying about something, if my dog was there she would sit next to me. I wouldn't have to get her. She would come to me. This is not the case with cats.

Next, horses. The debate would be much fairer if it was dogs vs. horses because they are so fucking useful. Not only do they come when called and do tricks, like a dog can, but you can ride them. Civilization owes so much to horses. It was through studying their anatomy and the way they work that we were able to start inventing cars and such. Sure, they can't sit on your lap while you watch TV nor can you bring them inside, but there's a reason they were domesticated.

Carrier birds can deliver letters, parrots are smart enough to hold conversations, and hamsters we breed to be completely reliant on us so we have an obligation to take care of them. A cat will leave a dead animal on your kitchen floor. Seriously, what is the appeal.

Did I mention cats are evil? They can mimic the sound of a baby crying because they know that it will get our attention. They will claw the shit out of you if you look at it wrong. A lot of them will attack dogs or other cats for no reason. They bully each other and you. Science says cats are evil. You should listen to science.

Now, as with anything, there are some exceptions. I can think of two cats that don't fall into the evil category and hang out more in the I-want-to-adopt-you-as-my-own category. But most cats? Fuck them.