Rant: This is Why I'm Single

I've only ever gone on three first dates. The number of relationships I've had doesn't fill a single hand. Aside from drunk guys hitting on me, I'm not necessarily a guy magnet. I'm not complaining, really. I have Ryan who visits once a month and makes me delicious food and cuddles better than anyone who isn't a loveable puppy and is the best friend with benefits a girl could possibly hope for. So while I'm single, I don't feel any particular need to find someone. Despite my bursts of social activity the past few years, I'm a pretty introverted person. When I'm by myself, I'm more productive. I draw or write every day. I do chores and go to the gym. I read until I fall asleep and research things that interest me like Greek Gods and the stars of Weeds. With my monthly Ryan fix, boy-wise I'm about as high maintenance as an old dog that can't really walk anymore but you still want to take it to the beach every few weeks or so for memories sake. I'm realizing after that analogy that old dogs are probably more high maintenance than young dogs since you have to deal with medical bills and special diets and vet visits and cleaning up after it went to the bathroom in the living room so I take back all of that metaphor (simile?)

So I tell myself that my lack of need for one is the reason why, nothing to do with my mediocre looks, barely bearable personality, and complete lack of a social circle. Far more likely, though, is my high standards.

The man must be:
-Into women
-Taller than me
-Heavier than me (who am I kidding? This is a bullshit standard. Never mind.)
-Single (this is embarrassingly flexible assuming I don't know the girl and/or don't like her)
-Funny (or thinks I am)
-Over 21 or has something that says he is
-Has a car (I ain't no taxi service though I may need to use him as one in the unfortunate event of me going to a party and halfway through realize I have somewhere to be in the morning)
-Has a job (flexible. Comfortably supported by parents works, too)
-Likes horror movies (or will tolerate them. Or will not complain when I watch them. Or will only complain some of the time that I watch them but not enough to make it an actual issue)
-Puts me somewhere above drinking though somewhere below school, work, eating, sleeping, and video games
-Lives on his own (roommates are acceptable, but not preferred)
-Will bring me food at work (minimum: once every three months, term "food" refers to one or more of the following: bagel, smoothie, apple juice, steak, cake, muffin, french fries, milkshake, apple, banana bread, clementine, grilled cheese sandwich, baked potato, cookie, or frozen yogurt)
-Will not judge me for my diet that consists solely of the food listed above (if judges, will do so silently. If judges vocally, will do in a manner that shows that he finds my eating habits endearing, though unhealthy and kinda gross)
-Will play Pokemon with me at least once, or finds a suitable player for me
-Will understand that in my own list of priorities, he will be somewhere above It's Always Sunny reruns and somewhere below Coldplay
-All potential boyfriends must agree to not touch my stomach. Ever.