Parking spot: You have proven yourself. You have slain even the mightiest of drivers. You have conquered me on so many occasions, your superiority over me will never again be called into question. So I ask you, on bent knees, why must you continue to prove yourself?
Blockbuster: You’re in store exchange policy makes less sense then your name. Blockbuster? What does that have to do with movie rentals? In order to pick up a movie at the store instead of waiting in the mail, I have to bring in the envelop, not the disc, the envelop which the disc came in, into the store to get something. I bring in both the movie I rented with your exchange policy from the store AND a disc to be mailed, and what do I get? Having to spend $3 on a movie when I have a pay per month policy. The envelop. Arbitrary seems to fit.
Guy at Wal*Mart tonight and guy who looks just like him at the comic book store in Port Moody: I’m sorry some girl who looks like me rejected you in high school. Chances are, even though we both work at fancy department stores and even though we both have perfectly manicured nails, I probably have more in common with you. I would play Dungeons and Dragons with you if given the chance. We could watch The Walking Dead and Caprica. You and me, we would stand in line for the midnight showing of the new Christopher Nolan movie. I would draw pictures of dinosaurs while you played Halo Reach. There is a friendship hidden down in there somewhere. You could be the Willow to my Xander and you would get that reference. But no. You judge me as that girl in high school judged you for appearances only. You talk to everyone in front of me in line with enthusiasm and friendliness required by your job in retail, mentioning things I love. But then when I reach the front of the line, you shut down. You won’t even look at me. And even though I try to be friendly, to show that I am not in fact that girl, you finish ringing me up quicker then necessary. Shame on you, Wal*Mart and Port Moody.
Landlord: Seeing you at the bagel place today was super awkward. I'm glad you felt it too.
Modem: How many babies a month do I need to sacrifice for your mediocre internet providing to continue? Even Time Warner, while able to fix you, was not able to understand where the problem came from, other than one day you decided my connection no longer existed. This mystifies both me and tech support and I'm beginning to think that maybe paying my bill isn't enough for you. Please contact me as soon as you can and we'll work out an arrangement.
Abigail Breslin: I'm aware this is crossing a line, but please grow up into a respectable actress with porn star looks like Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox. I have a lot of money riding on you in five years being more attractive than Chloe Moretz.
The man who invented high heels: You truly do hate women.
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